Discover Self-Friendship

Friendship with oneself is all-important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world. 

- Eleanor Roosevelt

Call it self-esteem or self-assurance. Both involve self-awareness. Self-friendship encompasses all terms and reflects the most strength. 


What does it mean to become a friend to yourself?




Juliana Breines and Serena Chen, in their study of self-esteem at The University of California, Berkeley, determined that "self-compassion" can unlock one's true potential. Their term defines a way of looking at one's mistakes and shortcomings with kindness and understanding.

If one can face difficulties without judging or by not defending the ego, it can lead to a higher level of personal well-being, optimism and happiness. As a result, an individual may feel less anxiety and depression.




When Brienes and Chen studied high achievers, they discovered individuals did not "lower the bar." They became self-compassionate while accepting responsibility for their performance and goals. They asked participants to take either a self-compassionate or self-esteem enhancing view of a setback or failure. When requested to reflect on a personal weakness, some were asked, “Imagine that you are talking to yourself about this weakness from a compassionate and understanding perspective. What would you say?”




If they wanted individuals to focus on boosting their self-esteem, the researchers queried, “Imagine that you are talking to yourself about this weakness from a perspective of validating your positive qualities. What would you say?” 




Those who experienced self-compassion viewed their weaknesses as changeable. They felt motivated to improve and avoid the same mistake in the future.

Increased motivation led to superior performance. In one study, participants who failed an initial test were given a second chance to improve their scores. Individuals who took a self-compassionate view of earlier failure studied twenty-five percent longer and scored higher on a second test than participants who focused on bolstering their self-esteem.

Why is self-compassion so powerful?  The researchers discovered power comes from becoming non-evaluative. Pushing the ego out of the picture, one can confront flaws and foibles. If a realistic sense of abilities and actions results, an individual can figure out what needs changing for the next time.

When focus means protecting self-esteem, individuals cannot face issues with honesty. Realizing the need for improvement means acknowledging weaknesses and shortcomings. These threats to self-esteem create feelings of anxiety and depression. 




The notion of self-compassion involves becoming a Best Friend to yourself. An internal dialogue develops that hugs and motivates. Self-friendship involves the ability to make mistakes and move on. Learning from the mistakes takes creative thinking and problem solving abilities. Humor lights the way.




The How becomes a lifelong process of befriending the self.

 

The candle is within you. Protect it. Don't let the world blow it out! 

 - Jordan Hasay, world class runner at the University of Oregon

Creative Write:  In what ways can you befriend yourself?  Will you place your ego aside and write about your shortcomings?  Translate them into strengths with action.